Sarah Barness

Brooklyn, NY
@thebar0ness
Survivor
Twist on Cancer: I am the queen of catastrophic thinking. I have so much anxiety dwelling on the “what ifs” and my brain can conjure up some pretty crazy hypotheticals to really make me spiral. Like: what if I lost my job and then I got cancer and then, omg, what if my sister ALSO got cancer???!!! Wouldn’t that be insane??
Well, guess what? That insane hypothetical actually did happen to me. Cancer taught me that the worst thing can happen, and it can still be okay – in fact, it can sometimes be better than okay. I feel like a wiser, more compassionate person after cancer. I feel more aware of how unbelievably lucky I am because, through cancer, my community came forward in ways that completely amazed me. I had no idea I had that level of support. Now I know.
While I am not cured of my anxiety or catastrophic thinking, I have more evidence on my side showing me that I can get through most anything and come out the other side stronger.
I also learned to not judge anything or anyone – When I was first diagnosed, I was so repelled by words like “warrior” “brave” “survivor”- phrases like “My cancer teacher” like, gross. Very not me.
But through my journey (“journey” was another word I hated), my relationship to those words totally changed. There were so many different chapters of cancer that merited different words, different feelings. There were moments where the only thing I wanted to hear was a cliche. I learned what it meant to be brave – for me, it meant being brave enough to change my mindset during chemo and throwing a party so my friends and family could have a break and a time to celebrate all they had been through on my behalf.
My twist on cancer is that cancer doesn’t have to change you at all fundamentally. When I was first diagnosed at 35 years old, I was so scared that I would come out the other side a completely different person – that I wouldn’t recognize that version of myself. I’d be one of those “hospital people,” carrying so much more emotional baggage and trauma that other people could not relate to.
Well, cancer definitely did change my perspectives on some things, but I fundamentally feel like the same person I was before cancer. In fact, I often worry that cancer didn’t change me enough. Like, maybe I’m supposed to be wiser or really have my priorities straight and all that. I think cancer did change me more than I give it credit for (“my cancer teacher” and all that), but my twist on cancer is that maybe it doesn’t have to change you, and that’s okay too.